Remembrance of Things Past
by pandorabox82
Summary: When Alex receives an unexpected birthday card from Erin, the feelings she's bottled up for so long come bubbling to the surface. Will Penelope be able to help her see that the remembrance of things past is the only way to move forward? And will a surprise visitor cause her to throw caution to the wind and live?


Alex stared at the envelope in her hands, tears rapidly filling her eyes. "Alex? What is it?" Dave asked as he reached out to rest his hand on her shoulder, concern filling his voice.

"This is Erin's handwriting," she murmured, unable to bring herself to open the envelope, staring at her name, her full name, written on the front in Erin's elegant script. "Where did you get that?"

He drew in a deep breath, and she finally looked up at him, noting the sadness in his eyes. "She bought this card and filled it out shortly before, before Curtis murdered her. She didn't have the chance to give it to you, and I thought that you should have it now."

She nodded, blinking rapidly and yet still managing to have tears slip down her face. His blunt thumb rubbed a few of them away, and she leaned into the touches, finding comfort there. "Thank you."

He nodded before caressing her shoulder gently. "Happy birthday, Alexandra."

Surprise filled her mind as he used her full name, and yet he just gave her another sad smile. She nodded at him before getting up and quickly making her way over to the kitchenette. There was no one there, thankfully, and she sank down into the first chair available before slipping her nail beneath the seal and breaking it, sliding the card out.

_Dearest Alexandra, _she read, _I know that our relationship has not gotten back to the place where it once was. I bitterly regret never being able to apologize fully for my actions and for allowing our friendship to crumble as quickly as it did. And in the short time that you've been back with the team, I'm reminded once more of how much I lost by simply forgetting a birthday card. So, I bought this one early, in hopes that I could give it to you, and that you'd accept it, and we could start anew. Even if I can't give it to you this year, I know that I will give it to you in the future. Maybe by then, we can be the people we were supposed to be. Love, still and always, Erin_

Alex had always prided herself on her ability to keep control, to not show emotion, and yet, those lovely words, written by someone who had once been so dear to her, caused her to burst into sobs. She barely registered the familiar sound of heels clicking on the tile behind her. And then, the heady fragrance of Garcia's perfume overwhelmed her senses as her arms wrapped around her in a gentle hug. "Gumdrop! What's wrong? Do you want to talk about it in my office?"

Somehow, Alex managed to nod, and then Garcia was bundling her up to stand next to her, leading her the back way to her office, where she was less likely to be seen. It was so sweet of her to be that concerned, and for some reason this made Alex cry all the harder, her emotions suddenly out of control.

As soon as they were behind closed doors, Garcia led her over to the sofa in the corner and helped her to sit. "Now, tell Penelope what's wrong. I promise, anything you say will be kept between us."

Alex took a few deep breaths as she tried to calm herself, letting her head come to rest on Garcia's shoulder. "Erin sent me a birthday card."

"Oh, Alex, she's dead, she can't send you a card."

"I know that, Rossi gave it to me, I don't know where he found it. She wrote it before everything happened with John Curtis, and, and, I wish I hadn't been so unyieldingly proud. If I had only accepted her first fumbling attempt at amends, perhaps we could have avoided her murder. Perhaps I could have saved her. Instead, it took that case with Hotch's brother to make me give way, and I took her back to the hotel room rather than Rossi."

"Gumdrop, this is not your fault. Don't blame yourself."

Alex shrugged a little, drawing her leg beneath her as she relaxed into Penelope a little more completely. "But it is. We were once close, extremely close."

"How close?"

Alex wondered how much she had given away in that moment, and she tensed a little. After a heartbeat, Penelope fumbled for her hand and clasped it tightly, running her thumb over the back. "Close enough for her to consider leaving Alan. I hadn't married James yet, though I learned to love him quite quickly. And then, Amerithrax happened."

"Go on."

Alex nodded as she gathered her thoughts. She hadn't told anyone about this story before, it was too raw and painful to her, even now, more than a decade later. "We were in the same class at the Academy. We moved through the ranks together, and while I was so focused on linguistics, she was focused on target shooting and politics. Together, we were an unstoppable force. And she was so beautiful in the way that she got everyone to bend to her will. I was in love with her before I knew it, and then she married Alan, and I knew that I couldn't say anything about my feelings. It wouldn't be fair, you know?"

"I do know. I know how much it hurts to be in love with your best friend, and they have no clue as to how deep your true feelings run."

Immediately, she thought of Morgan, and nodded. "I wish we didn't share that in common."

"At least it gives us something to share, gumdrop. Now, how did things get to the point where she would leave him for you?"

She sighed a little, tightening her hand around Penelope's. "I was a little too good at linguistics, receiving my doctorate in it while I was working here, and I began to teach classes at Georgetown. Erin didn't particularly like that, and when I pressed her for an answer, she couldn't give me one. And then, as the months turned in to years, and we found ourselves apart more than we were together, I began to notice the change. She would run hot and cold, as if she couldn't stand being around me, and then as if she couldn't bear to let me go.

"When the Amerithrax case came around, we were able to work close together once more, and she gravitated towards me. I relished the attention, and then, one night, she kissed me. It was hurried, fleeting, but I thought that it hinted at us starting something more. As the case dragged on, she still had those moments of push and pull, as if she was fighting the feelings that were developing. I pushed a little harder than I should have, and she admitted that she did have feelings for me, that she wanted to leave Alan…"

"Did he hurt her?"

Alex pursed her lips tightly, unwilling to reveal what had gone on in the Strauss household. "I tried to convince her to leave, that she belonged with me, and I was too strident. I didn't wait for her to be ready, I wanted what I wanted, and at that moment. There could be no waiting for me. And so, when she began to rebuff me, I pushed harder, and she became angry, as was her right."

"That doesn't begin to explain how you came to hate her."

She winced at the use of the word hate. "I never hated her, I never stopped loving her. But in the midst of the chaos of the case, she forgot my birthday, and I took it so personally. It hurt, Penelope."

"I can only imagine."

She began to cry once more, knowing that this would be the hardest part of her story. "And so, I began to shut her out, and she had no idea why I was doing it. Things with the case went south, and she had to tell them I made the mistake. Because I did. I was so angry that I read into the text more than I should have, and it led us elsewhere. I couldn't accept that at the time, and I blamed everything on her."

"Oh, Alex." She felt Penelope kiss the top of her head sweetly, and this made her cry harder. "Shh."

"No, I'm not finished. I yelled at her, told her I hated her, and stormed out of her life. Curtis was collateral damage, since he had gone along with my analysis. I destroyed everything, and stayed angry at her so that I wouldn't acknowledge just how much I had failed, both her and the FBI."

"And then you got a birthday card from beyond the grave."

She nodded. "I still love her, and if she were to walk into my life today, I would fix the mistakes I made, I would beg forgiveness."

"And would you leave James for her, if she left Dave for you?"

It hit Alex moments after the question was asked that that was not Penelope's voice speaking. Turning her head slowly, she looked into familiar grey eyes. There were tears rolling down her cheeks, and she involuntarily began to get up, drawn to her side. "Yes," she whispered as she reached out and touched Erin's shoulder gently, her hand shaking as she felt the firm, solid, flesh of her. "Yes."

"I'll just leave you two alone and find the story out from Rossi. I'm sure he knows exactly what's going on." Penelope brushed past them, and then Erin was closing the door, giving them some privacy.

"Alexandra, I…"

Alex cut her words off with a harsh, urgent, kiss, as she wrapped her arms around Erin's waist, holding her close. "I don't care how, you're here, you're alive, and damn the consequences, but I am going to be by your side. I love you."

Erin buried her face in her neck, nuzzling her nose against her skin as she breathed in deeply. "The only ones who knew I was alive were David, my children and my ex. I was coming up to get Penelope so I could tell you all together, that I was returning to the world of the living. You see, there were some murmurings that Matteo and I could end up in the crossfire of that fiasco. He and JJ paid for that, and for that I am so sorry."

"And Dave?"

"I loved him, but he wasn't you. He wasn't where my heart wanted to be, you should know that."

"I do." She kissed Erin once more, the urgency gone from her now that she was certain that Erin wouldn't leave her this time, that there was a chance for reconciliation between them. "I'll need just a little time to tell James about this, about how I'm choosing you. Would you go with me?"

"I don't think I could bear to be apart from you right now." Erin sighed deeply before kissing her. Alex took the time to focus on what Erin's lips felt like, so soft and gentle against her own, and she opened her mouth a little so that her tongue could slip out and trace them, memorizing them once more. "Oh, Alexandra."

"Never stop calling me that. I love to hear my name fall from your lips."

"Alexandra, Alexandra, Alexandra," Erin began to softly chant, and Alex smiled as she trailed a line of kisses down Erin's neck and along the neckline of her blouse. Erin's elegant fingers quickly tangled in her long hair, holding her there, and Alex had to bite back her groan.

"We probably shouldn't do this here," she said a bit breathlessly as she rested her forehead on Erin's chest.

"But I want more."

"So do I, but that will come with time. The office is not a place to get caught making out like schoolgirls." She pulled away to look into Erin's eyes, seeing the pupils dilated with desire. "Oh, god, Erin, you'll undo me with looks like those. We may not leave our bed for days."

"I rather like the sound of that. So, take me home?"

"Yes. I love you." She pressed another quick kiss to Erin's lips before clasping her hand and leading her from the office. As she glanced into the war room, she saw that everyone was watching for them, their looks ranging from curiosity, anger, joy, and lust. Alex just arched her eyebrow at Rossi as she shook her head, threading her fingers with Erin as they stopped by her desk to grab her purse and coat. "I only hope that James understands."

"If he doesn't, we can head to my apartment. As long as I'm with you, I'll be home." The elevator doors opened, and they stepped inside, Erin molding herself to Alex's body, her head coming to rest against her shoulder. "I love this, I love you, I'm home."

All Alex could do was sigh and smile as she tugged Erin closer to her, making it so that the only thing that separated them was their clothing. And she knew that even that wouldn't separate them once they were in the privacy of their home. "No, we're home." She kissed the top of Erin's head softly and let herself be content with just holding her for the moment. They had the rest of their lives for loving.


End file.
